That's When I Realize...

I thought I'd take a chance, throw some money at my dating issues and pray that I could find some serious candidates.  I thought it'd work.  So far we're looking at 0 for 3 with no real chance of that statistic improving anytime soon.

Bachelor #1 - The Show

Good job, mature age (ok c'mon...for me that's like anything over 33), nice car, owns home.  You get the picture.  But he showed his card early when he started talking about sex.  It was clear that was his primary goal and we all know how I feel about that.  Luckily not much time was wasted there and no effort on my part.

Bachelor #2 - The CTO

Again good job, mature age, nice car, owns home.  Interest in physical activity and genuine interests.  Made jokes about getting married on our second day communicating (I'm going to write that one down as a bad sign from now on).  Set up a date night and went to see him.  He seemed genuine and interested, mature and stable, he didn't press me for sex or anything!  I was enamoured and surprised.  But then he stopped texting, stopped communicating all together.  I got him to ping back twice and then he fell off the face of the earth.  I hope he has a pleasant trip.

Bachelor #3 - Le Artiste

This was the wild card.  I can't say I was genuinely interested in this guy.  He had lackluster photos of himself on his profile and I didn't see much that piqued me besides his artist side and that he was a parent.  I had not yet had experience dating another single parent but I thought, what the hell, I may as well give it a go.  We communicated non-stop but the progression was slow and cautious, which I must say I am not used to.  In all my online dating experience it generally holds that the guy will at least try to ask me out within the first few days of talking.  Le Artiste didn't try that until about week 2.5 of talking (if you include eHarmony communications in that time...which I do.).  We had very stimulating conversation and he called me on the phone nightly.  This should've been a red flag for me.  I can handle a good chat but frankly, I got shit to do!  I needed to work out, study, finish homework, etc and he was impinging on that time but I let him cause I'm weak willed I suppose.

We finally set up a chance to meet and he made the trek to Payson.  We spent the afternoon playing at a playground with the Spawnling (only mine, not his), watched a movie and then whatever the kids are calling it nowadays.  Then he made Fatal Error # >1.  He assumed he was allowed to sleep over.  It was not yet even 11pm.  More than enough time to get home safely.  Again, me being weak willed in the face of anything I dislike mixed with someone I'm trying to like, I allowed it.  Sleep occurred and he took his time leaving in the morning.

Already less than pleased but I thought, in an effort to really try and be...not picky, that I'd still give it a go.  But then I realize something...75% of our conversation involved his baby mama.  He brought her up at least once in every conversation, if not more...Red Flag!  Huge red flag!  The only other person I know to talk about his ex that much ended up cheating on me, with said ex.  An additional red flag was thrown on the play when he became uncomfortable after I made a racy joke in an IM conversation one night.  That was the last straw for me, clearly if he couldn't handle me joking about that, online, in the PM, between two adults he wouldn't be able to handle it any other time and unfortunately for him that's just a part of who I am.

Then I got sick, very very sick and really wasn't concerned with  making an effort to let him know and it turns out, he showed how interested he was because I only got a few IMs from him asking where I was and what he'd done (I leave my computer on 24/7, there is no guarantee that if my IM is on that I'm anywhere near the computer).  No phone call, no text message, no email.  Just a few scattered IMs.  If he were genuinely worried I imagine he'd make a greater effort to track me down.

So I clap my hands, show the backs and my palms and leave the table.

I realize now that not only am I not heartbroken but I'm not sure the heart is there to be broken.  I have a big steaming pile of I don't give a shit in my lap and I'm absent mindedly sculpting it into the shape of a mountain.

I am so tired of chasing Love down.  It's hard to run in high heels.  Before this trio of turds came into my life I still knew that with as bitter as I was I still cared, at least a little, about finding love.  Post-trio I find that that lingering desire is snuffed out.  I haven't a fuck to give and I don't care to go finding more fuck.

So Love, if you're reading this, you know where I live and you know what I want.  I'll see you if I see you.

And if I don't?  C'est la vie, la vie celibataire.