Look...About That...

I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge being visited by the Ghosts of Ex-Boyfriends Past.  Over the last few weeks ex-boyfriends, ex love interests and all sorts of potential dates of different varieties have come crawling out of the virtual woodwork.  A text here, an awkward email there but seemingly all after one thing.

My vagina.

I've been down this road.  I have had my time with them, our relationships eclipsed for various reasons but the sun has set and I had very blissfully moved on.  But here they come, anyway, knocking on my figurative door with dying flowers and sugar-free chocolates in tow.  Here they come with offers of dates, random meet ups and potential sexual liaisons.

The amount of class displayed by these collective gentleman dissipates the entirety of my hope for humanity.

"What would you say if I got down on one knee and asked you to be my fuck buddy?"

To quote my favorite comedian...How romantic, Adolf.

Look, I get it,  we spent some time together, you enjoyed it.  Obviously not enough to keep it, but you at least enjoyed it a little, enough to assume you could crawl back into my bed.  So you're here again, just bored or needy enough to run down a list of girls you burned but still assume would take you back.

But you've misjudged me.  I might be single but I'm not needy, I'm not slutty, I don't have low self-esteem, I don't need to re-read chapters I passed long ago.  I don't want to reopen your chapter.  It sucked, I know it did, or maybe I would've tried harder to linger on it.  You might be dying for something wet to warm your dick but it's NOT going to be me.

I'm not interested in the bullshit you're selling, I don't need a fuck buddy, especially not one that looks like you when I've reached Ego Boost levels.  This isn't a Hollywood romantic comedy where I play the ditsy blonde that confuses sex for love.  I know you, I've figured you out.  I know what it is your after and while I'm very interested in the idea of a sex buddy, I can do much better.  It's cute that you think I'm that stupid, though.