What I Hate About You...And Your Dating Profile - Part 2

1. Any photographs that you have taken of scenery, your car or anything else that isn't you.
2. Photographs that feature your extended family.  I really just want to see you, not your parents/siblings/nieces/nephews/etc.
3. Any mention of being "drama free" or that you "hate drama."  Nothing screams I have issues that end up being dramatic like someone who feels the need to point out drama.
4. Guys without shirts who aren't ripped.  There's nothing wrong with a guy who isn't totally buff but I really don't need to see a shot of your doughy midsection.  Leave the shirtless pics to guys with bigger egos and better abs.
5. Anyone who is just "looking for friends."  This is a dating site, not a social club.  Married men, men in relationships and men who aren't interested in dating are very clearly saying to the world that they're looking for sex.
6. Pictures that are older than a year.  I don't want to see what you looked like 5 years ago when you were in great shape.  I want to know what you look like now.
7. Any reference to judging you based on more than photos.  "Thanks for getting this far and not just looking at my pics" or "Wow! You're actually reading this instead of just browsing my photos?"  In the real world we base people on their looks so what makes you think online dating is any different.  If there's no physical attraction we're probably not going to care what you're into online or offline.
8. Reminding us all that you're "just checking things out" online.  No shit Sherlock!  Pretty sure that's what we're all doing.  But no, thanks for stating the obvious.
9. Pointing out how non-Mormon you are...or pointing out how Mormon you are.  There's a details section that allows you to state religious preference on most dating sites, keep the religion talk to that area or to private conversations if it's that big of a deal breaker and if it's that big of a deal breaker Mormons should join LDS dating sites and Non-Mormons should join non-LDS dating sites.
10. Pictures of your tattoos.  Great!  You have tattoos!  Why don't we just throw up a picture of your cock and your paycheck while we're at it so I don't have to bother seeing it all in real life if I'm not immediately interested.
11. Any pictures of you dressed as Jack Sparrow.  If you can't think of a better Halloween costume then really...you probably shouldn't draw attention to that at all.
12. And for the special gent who emailed me...Your picture of you wearing a shirt that reads "Legalize Murder" ...ya...not hot.

What I Hate About You...And Your Dating Profile.

I have more than fully re-entered the dating scene online and have once again been reminded of all my pet peeves when it comes to guys' filling out their dating profiles.  Below is my list of No-Nos...at least they're not going to get you a date with me.

1) Guys who don't fill out their profiles at all!  Why come to a dating site, sign up and leave the profile active with nothing more than a few far too staged photos for us to judge you on.

2) Any complaint about how much you "hate filling these things out."  If you don't like it, don't do it!  I don't need to read about how shitty it is to have to think of a few intelligent paragraphs to describe yourself.  If you can't sell me on the idea of you, who will?

3) EVERYONE likes to travel.  I have yet to find a single person who wouldn't say they enjoyed traveling.  We get it.  I might puke if I see one more profile that says that.  If traveling really is a passion for you, show it in photos or talk about the actual places you like to travel.  Nothing is more cliche than "I like to travel."

4) Sex listed anywhere on a profile.  You're a guy, we get it.  Girls are told basically from day one that guys have sex on the brain near constantly.  We don't need to read about it in your dating profile.  Nothing turns me off faster than a guy who lists Sex as something he can't live without.  Sex is great but it doesn't belong in your dating profile.  If that's what you want, put an ad on Craigslist.

5) Pictures of the following varieties

• Flipping the camera off.  We get it, you're a douche.
• You kissing or being kissed by scantily clad women.  If it's not your mom or daughter I don't want to see some woman kissing you.
• Pictures in which you are either not visible at all or are so far in the distance that it renders the picture pointless in illustrating your appearance, especially if this is your only photo.
• Pictures that have been digitally manipulated.  I don't need to see how artistic you are or how much you like the insta-Lomo feature in your photo editing software.  I just want to see you.
• No pictures at all.  I understand if you got interrupted while creating your profile but if you remain pictureless it only suggests to me that you have something to hide or are insecure with your appearance, neither of which is attractive to me.  Unfortunately we are all visual people, deal with it.

6) Comparing a dating profile to a resume.  That's the point!  You're trying to sell yourself as a suitable date/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife.  It's cute that you can use the same cliche as everyone else but don't waste the space on that when you could be telling me about your awesome 1st edition book collection. 

Try a little harder, make some effort.  If you can't even put for the effort to make a well-rounded, honest and fully filled out dating profile then what on earth will make me think you'll put any effort into a date or relationship?

Stumbling Down Memory Lane.

Being temporarily (I hope) deaf has given me a lot of time for inner reflection (herp, I know...it's super drippy with hokey-ness).  I was digging through a bookshelf, trying to find a picture book with some of my Spawn's infant photos and couldn't find it, so I moved to the Hope chest in hope (ha! get it?!) that I'd find the book there.  I dug away and was unable to turn up the book but noticed a folder that I couldn't remember.  I opened it and found a couple pictures from college, some things from my old dorm room and a few pictures and a piece of hand crafted tandem artwork from my high school crush.  The pictures were from his mission and the artwork we had created one boring day in seminary during my sophomore year.

I smiled and tucked them back away.  I had the great fortune to date this young man, long distance though it was, about a year ago.  Needless to say it ended and I have been very sorrowful about how it ended because the blame laid entirely with me.  But this little trip down memory lane had triggered in me a moment of reflection that I had been avoiding this entire year.

I had crushed on him from the day I saw him in 10th grade.  He was a senior, oh so exotic!  He took me to a 311 concert, he wrote me on his mission and then we lost contact.  I got married and he joined the army.  I had a kid and he was...still in the army.  Then one day, after self-confessed obsessive searching, I found him on Facebook.  I sent a friend request and an awkwardly worded email about how I hoped he remembered me.  Well he did and thus began our renewed communication.  Communication matured to flirting and flirting matured to honesty and my frank admission that I had fostered a high school crush on him that just never seemed to go away.  Here began our long distance relationship.

The relationship was great and completely without trouble/drama/blah or whatever you chose to call it.  Maybe that was because of the distance and maybe just because he's fantastic.  Unfortunately for me, my body was in full revolt and during this time it was quickly shutting me down.  I have since been diagnosed with two separate but very not so awesome illnesses that can be blamed for this decline in health.

But here is my blunder.  Instead of leaning on him, instead of asking for help or celebrating the fact that someone was there to worry for me and care for me, I just shut down.  I knew full well he was in love with me and I knew full well I was in love with him but I let my stupid body dictate my willingness to exist.  I closed up my heart.  I can only imagine the hurt and frustration that I caused him and I will always be sorry for that.  I was so wrapped up in my own stupid suffering that I neglected one of the best things that I have ever been given.  I let my health and some less than pleasant tasks at work get in the way of what could've been my relationship with "the one."  I sacrificed love like I have never known so I could suffer alone.  Not only did he deserve a girlfriend who he could actually see whenever he wanted, he also deserved a healthy girlfriend and probably one that didn't already have a kid.  He deserved and deserves better than me.

That said and after conveniently pointing the finger at being sick when in reality I'm just a big fat asshole, I am so lucky because he still talks to me.  For whatever reason he didn't let my absolute horrid treatment of him destroy our friendship.  We still talk and text and flirt and joke and tease and somewhere in my head I entertain ideas that maybe he still thinks about me in a loving way and that maybe, just maybe he misses me.  But then I kick that part of me in the butt because I find it incredibly selfish of myself to think that after what I did he'd ever consider me with any fondness.

But deep down...deep deep down...I think I miss him.

I Must Not Fear....

For the longest time I have been afraid.  Since before I should've been old to enough to fear such silly things.  I have been terrified of loneliness, frightful of singularity, afraid of solitude.  From the time I turned 16 until early this year, I have never had to be alone.  From the moment I was "datable" as far as Mormon's are concerned, all through my divorce and up until recently I have had a boyfriend or the makings of one.  I have never once cheated but even after the most painful of breakups I wasn't left on the shelf too long before a suitable replacement appeared (if he hadn't been standing there waiting as it was).  I think, prior to this dry spell, the longest I ever went without a boyfriend was approximately a month, give or take a few days.

Undoubtedly this isn't exactly natural and has led to much of my fear and trepidation at being alone. I think I have finally conquered that fear, though.  I am no longer worried about when Mr. Right will finally show up, nor am I concerned with why I haven't got a date Friday night.  I don't mind that I am sharing good news with close friends instead of my significant other and I really don't mind not having to get the dishes done before my man comes over to see me. 

I never ever anticipated I would be 25, single and with a child but hell, I didn't anticipate much of anything that I'm currently doing so why hang my hat on just my marital predictions.  So now I will focus on me and my son.  Now I will worry about my two bachelor's degrees, my fantastic career, my growing child, my fabulous family and supportive friends.  I will focus on the things that I want out of this life, excepting a marriage.  If in time someone of suitable mental, physical and emotional stature comes along then awesome, I'll be all the better for him.  Should that not be a part of my path for this lifetime, so be it again.  I will not be defined by my companionship but by my own nature, by the mark I, alone, am making on my world.  No longer will I grimace at wedding photos online or let my heart sink when I hear someone is getting married or the cute idea that so-and-so is using at her reception.  I will not sulk over my "misfortune" or pine over relationships lost. 

If I spend my life searching for the perfect relationship I fear I will never find it.  I will stop being the lady in waiting, the patient handmaiden balanced on bated breath for her handsome Prince to come.  I no longer want to live my life in anticipation, or desperation, of someone to live it with.  I want to live it alone.  I want to make my own choices and do my own thing without worrying about telling the boyfriend or inviting the boyfriend or any of those things.  I finally get to do my own thing and I have been avoiding it, I have been skirting it when I should've been embracing it.

It is so frightening to be alone after having spent nearly a decade as a couple, as one half of a larger combined being and I am sure that I had, at least partially, forgotten how to exist as a single individual in a community so heavily dominated by a culture that applauds marriage and long term relationships.  This new found self-reliance has been hard to adjust to but I think I'm finally there.

I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.

I could pack up and move to a new country tomorrow if I so desired!  Not...that that will...ever happen, but I could!  With no one to report to or worry about or concern myself over, just me and the Spawn, we could pick up and leave and no one would be the wiser.  I can do anything I want, go wherever I want, whenever I want and with whomever I choose!  I have a freedom that I haven't had in, well really in my entire life.  I am a single adult with only myself and my child to answer to and for.

And sugar?  I LOVE it.