I Must Not Fear....

For the longest time I have been afraid.  Since before I should've been old to enough to fear such silly things.  I have been terrified of loneliness, frightful of singularity, afraid of solitude.  From the time I turned 16 until early this year, I have never had to be alone.  From the moment I was "datable" as far as Mormon's are concerned, all through my divorce and up until recently I have had a boyfriend or the makings of one.  I have never once cheated but even after the most painful of breakups I wasn't left on the shelf too long before a suitable replacement appeared (if he hadn't been standing there waiting as it was).  I think, prior to this dry spell, the longest I ever went without a boyfriend was approximately a month, give or take a few days.

Undoubtedly this isn't exactly natural and has led to much of my fear and trepidation at being alone. I think I have finally conquered that fear, though.  I am no longer worried about when Mr. Right will finally show up, nor am I concerned with why I haven't got a date Friday night.  I don't mind that I am sharing good news with close friends instead of my significant other and I really don't mind not having to get the dishes done before my man comes over to see me. 

I never ever anticipated I would be 25, single and with a child but hell, I didn't anticipate much of anything that I'm currently doing so why hang my hat on just my marital predictions.  So now I will focus on me and my son.  Now I will worry about my two bachelor's degrees, my fantastic career, my growing child, my fabulous family and supportive friends.  I will focus on the things that I want out of this life, excepting a marriage.  If in time someone of suitable mental, physical and emotional stature comes along then awesome, I'll be all the better for him.  Should that not be a part of my path for this lifetime, so be it again.  I will not be defined by my companionship but by my own nature, by the mark I, alone, am making on my world.  No longer will I grimace at wedding photos online or let my heart sink when I hear someone is getting married or the cute idea that so-and-so is using at her reception.  I will not sulk over my "misfortune" or pine over relationships lost. 

If I spend my life searching for the perfect relationship I fear I will never find it.  I will stop being the lady in waiting, the patient handmaiden balanced on bated breath for her handsome Prince to come.  I no longer want to live my life in anticipation, or desperation, of someone to live it with.  I want to live it alone.  I want to make my own choices and do my own thing without worrying about telling the boyfriend or inviting the boyfriend or any of those things.  I finally get to do my own thing and I have been avoiding it, I have been skirting it when I should've been embracing it.

It is so frightening to be alone after having spent nearly a decade as a couple, as one half of a larger combined being and I am sure that I had, at least partially, forgotten how to exist as a single individual in a community so heavily dominated by a culture that applauds marriage and long term relationships.  This new found self-reliance has been hard to adjust to but I think I'm finally there.

I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.

I could pack up and move to a new country tomorrow if I so desired!  Not...that that will...ever happen, but I could!  With no one to report to or worry about or concern myself over, just me and the Spawn, we could pick up and leave and no one would be the wiser.  I can do anything I want, go wherever I want, whenever I want and with whomever I choose!  I have a freedom that I haven't had in, well really in my entire life.  I am a single adult with only myself and my child to answer to and for.

And sugar?  I LOVE it.