I Want My Happy Ending.

I've come so far.  On my own.  I've survived abuse, a shitty  marriage, life on my own, paying my own bills, making my life what it is.  My life is great.  I have a great career with amazing coworkers, I'm getting a degree to open up my dream job.  I have a beautiful, quirky, charming and amazing son.  I have great, supportive friends and family.  I'm 25 and I've achieved so much and so much of it I've achieved alone, against great odds and through great challenge.  But here I am.

But there's a huge piece missing.  You.  Wherever you are.  I've spent a couple years (and time before the span of my marriage) looking for you and you still elude me.  I've hoisted my flag and sent out my courtiers in search of you and each time they return empty handed or with someone attempting to be you.  Why is it, the one thing I want so desperately, the one thing I'm missing and aching for is the one thing that seems to sneak through my open arms?

I have a collection of lessons I've learned over the last several years and not a single one of the lessons is good.  What I've learned so far:

1. Guys lie.  A lot.  They're masters of knowing exactly what girls want to hear them say but not a word of it is genuine.
2. I'm gullible, I'll believe anything a guy tells me as long as it's complimentary.
3. It doesn't matter one single bit that I'm successful/smart/talented/well-rounded/fun/kind/generous/a good mother/caring/compassionate/PERFECT because sex is the ultimate motivator and as a woman in full control and awareness of her sexuality I give men exactly what they want all the while thinking that I'm in control.
4. Success = intimidation.  Talking about my goals and achievements is not attractive.
5. The fact that I'm not a typical girl is a handicap, not a benefit.
6. Guys who claim to love kids do not love kids, they just love the idea of kids.
7. No matter how hard I try to be unattached or aloof to falling for the dirty tricks, they still get me.
8. I can sure put on a brave face but inside my heart is shattered.
9. My most successful relationships will be with the most unstable men.
10. When a man tells me he doesn't want to get married it means he just doesn't want to marry me.
11. Abundance of money and lack of money are the same, assholes are assholes no matter what their income.
12. Women have turned men into what they are.  We've created a master race of lazy, entitled, weak assholes.
13. I shouldn't have to change a thing about how I behave in a relationship, unless a guy gives me what I want and need he should be ruled out.  I shouldn't have to demand they treat me like more than a whore.
14. Romance is dead.
15. Dates = sex.  Sex = my only valuable feature.
16. I am not worthy of a true relationship, I lack something that creates life-long love.  What it is, I don't know.  Until I know, I will not succeed.
17. The good men are taken.
18. Other girls get their Prince Charming but just like they can't expect my lifestyle, I cannot expect their success in love.  I will not get my Prince Charming.
19. Prince Charming is a lie.  I'm not Cinderella, Snow White or Sleeping Beauty.  I'm just some girl with too much attitude, too much independence and way too much opinion.
20. Sex is a commodity and I'm on the trading floor shouting at the top of my lungs with a rabid bunch of men throwing up their hands and fingers, flashing offers that I'm not willing to settle for.
21. Happily Ever After isn't a part of my life plan.  I'm here for something else.
22. I'm an incredibly slow learner because I've been kicked to my knees more times than I can count and for some idiotic reason I keep getting up.

By the time you actually show up I'll be so bruised and bloodied that you won't be able to see through the damage and you'll wander away.  I'm done letting myself get hurt.  I'm done offering up my wrist to be slashed.  I'm tired and sore and beaten.  They win.  I've been destroyed.  Thank your fellow man for this one because they've trampled all over me.  They've made me the weaker sex and I hate you for it.

Don't get me wrong, though.  Like a moron I will still stand up again, I will brush the dirt and rocks off my knees, I will stand in the shower for hours, until I shiver and turn blue from the cold, just to wash the taste of them out of my mouth, the smell of their skin off of mine.  I'm building my brick wall and now I don't care if you take it down.

So if you show up, I'll apologize eventually for slapping you.  I imagine if you exist you'll be just as broken as I am.  I'll probably push you away, cringe at your touch, accuse you of lying and ignore your attempts at romance.

Look at me.  Who am I kidding.  You're as much a reality as that unicorn I keep hoping will wander into my backyard.